Pandemic Pondering#18

How will this period in our world history be viewed ? There will be retrospective judgement on decisions made by governments and individuals. We will all lose some links and forge others.

Whilst we are in it it feels like a huge pause in life. Within this huge pause , I took a little pause this week. I’m not entirely sure why. Like many of us I have some very serious concerns about friends and the future. I’m struggling with my lack of personal freedom and by the restrictions placed on us all for the common good.

My world has become so small and yet I can still fill every waking moment with something. Good books, dog walking , cleaning, painting both creative and domestic , uninterrupted conversations, gardening. Thoughts

My head is full of the positive things I’m experiencing , but my political thoughts also get ample time to rant . People who have been lovely get fully celebrated and mentally showered with gratitude.But oh my goodness if someone pisses me off, the things my head creates for their retribution is not pretty.

So I’ve had a pause, I’ve had a good old think and am hugely grateful to be where I am.

What’s the toilet roll story ?

I’ve had some loo roll thinking time.

Back on Pandemic Pondering #1 Day, @theoldmortuary was running out of loo roll. It was the height of panic buying and bulk purchasing in British shops. There are only going to be two of us here for quite a while but the only amount of loo rolls we could buy, locally, was a massive 36 roll pack. That just seemed a bit stupid and put me in the same league of idiocy as all the fools overbuying products for their homes. We had enough for the week so the problem was not critical. Decades earlier my grandparents used to cut up The Daily Mail and the Daily Express for bum wiping , the only useful thing for those publications and quite a lot of British newspapers so I already knew there were other options.

Then luxury caught up with me. 4 roll packs of toilet paper were available. I had the option of only peach coloured loo roll impregnated with either Shea Butter or Aloe Vera. Caution was thrown to the wind and one pack of each found their way to @theoldmortuary.

There are many problems with this. I am a woman of life-long use of bog standard white toilet roll.

My first experience of turning around after a wee was shocking, peach loo paper combined with very standard straw coloured wee, gives the appearance of something very wrong in the urinary department!

How did anybody cope in the seventies with gaudy porcelain toilets and brightly coloured toilet paper. The reason I’m a white loo roll woman is because my mum thought coloured toilet roll was common.Her views were the same on toothpaste. She saw nothing wrong with one bathroom in Avocado Green and the other in Tropical Turquoise while the outside loo was Sunshine Yellow. Nothing common about our sanitary ware as long as the toilet paper was white and the torn edge hung down the back. These are rules I can abide by.

Sadly my mum was already deceased when moisturised toilet paper became a thing. I don’t know what her opinion would be. I can guess though. When did moisturised toilet roll become a thing?


Toilet paper is for dabbing dampness after a wee, why would my lady garden or your boy bits need moisturising at this point, or indeed any point?

Secondly it’s for clearing up after a poo. A slippery, slithery,at times,sticky activity, what possible benefit does extra moisturiser bring to this particular party. None. What you need is a little tooth or traction on the surface of your loo paper to get the job done.

Now clearly two different moisturisers must have different qualities. My bog standard butt, trained only on white bog standard loo roll , discerned no difference whatsoever. The introduction of moisturised papers to my sanitary areas brought no benefit . No increase in walking speed as my buttocks slid silkily over each other, no astounded looks from passers-by as I exuded Aloe Vera or Shea Butter enhanced side steps whilst maintaining social distance . No delicate fragrance eminating from my jeans hinting at a subtly moisturised buttock cleft

Something tells me , and it may be too much time has been spent thinking about this, that fancy toilet paper is just a crock of sh**e

I leave you with Standard White, as perfect as it gets.

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