I realised this weekend that a lifetime of a recurring dream was based on an actual place rather than my imagination.

My early childhood holidays were shared with my older and physically disabled cousin. All our destinations had to be accessible by car and a child in a wheelchair.

On a previous adult visit to Ansteys Cove in Torbay I had wondered if this was the source of  my dream but discounted it as some of the geography felt wrong. But this weekend we stayed in a flat opposite a lane leading to the cove. I realised that viewing somewhere as a child when there is magic and the unexpected around every corner is very different from being ‘the grown-up’

The magic of ancient woodland, steps and handrails leading suddenly to a beach with a cafe was probably created by my parents walking on the coastal path to the cove in order to burn off my under 10 year old energy. My cousins family would have driven to a car park on the lane opposite my airbnb, and used a steeply sloped private road to push her to and from the beach.

Another thing that didn’t quite sit well in my head was that, as supposedly my parents favourite beach in the West Country, they never once suggested visiting it when I moved to Plymouth which is only an hour away.

Just giving the whole scenario a bit of a ponder I realised that life had changed so dramatically for them that they were probably just preserving happy memories and not making themselves sad.

My cousin had died young as a result of her disabilities and my Aunt and Uncle had fled to Australia never to be seen again. By the time I moved to Plymouth my mum was in a wheelchair and my dad would have known that the slope to the beach would have been an impossible task for him or any of us.

I am very glad to have revisited and given the whole family dynamics a good old ponder. Sad that we never discussed a visit, because I’m sure we could have driven closer and gained access but maybe they really needed to preserve it as a happy memory without revisiting what must have been immense and multilayered grief.

With just an hour’s drive I think it is time for me to visit more often. Had I realised all this two days ago I would have taken more photos but pondering can be a slow burn to realisation.